Wednesday, October 31, 2007

News flash!!

Drivers in the 'ville no longer need to stop at red lights.

Not long ago a law was passed decreeing that all drivers, especially white Toyota ute and Commodore drivers, no longer have to pay attention to red lights. It was also decreed that if a driver accidentally sees a light change to red, they are to stomp on the accelerator, instantaneously sending themselves into warp speed and seeing them safely through the intersection even after others have proceeded across their path. The law has been taken on in force by the people of the 'ville, almost constantly you can see cars careen through red lights.
Bob, a local construction worker, clad in a fluorescent orange and navy blue shirt and driving a beaten up Land Cruiser ute, had this to say. "It's about time it was made official, I mean, I've been doing it for years so that I can save time on my way to the site. I've always felt safe behind my bull bar but I've been worried about red light cameras and cops. More of these laws need to be f*cked off, then those cyclists will really be f*cked, bloody licra wearing f*ggots." Dave, driving a 1996 Commodore with flaking fibreglass body kit, echoed Bob's sentiments, adding that "warp speed on my car is heaps fast! I might buy a blow-off valve now though but! Aye!"
The new law is the beginning of a city wide move to eliminate all road rules. Bike lanes are already on their way out, in their place will be more lanes for more cars. "It's a simple way to eliminate the weak, like small car drivers and cyclists", said Jon Smuthers of City Plan ('ville City Council). He explained that people needed to get places faster, so that they can sit down to eat fast food or watch TV, or do nothing. "Bigger and faster cars, coupled with less road rules, is the way ahead".